jumpy

still buzzing from the double espresso raspberry latte i drank in the afternoon. Arghzzz...

the caffeine hasn't helped me feel any better about going to work tmw morning. Something is definitely wrong when the thought of work/camp/donning the army uniform fills me with dread. I just wonder if the problem lies with me or something else.

part of the problem is perhaps the rank structure of the army. When u're working as a civilian, u generally have some degree of freedom to do/say what u want. At least, that's my impression (correct me if i'm wrong). In the army u're kind of limited by rank. That is, when u're a lowly minion u better watch what u say or do or u might end up getting ur sorry ass roasted and eaten by someone higher up for breakfast. I don't know how true this is for the civilian world, but there's definitely a sort of oppressive environment in the army. It's probably because of the ever-present need to get things done fast; consensus and democracy just take too much time and effort. But man it's frustrating, wearisome and -i admit it- intimidating.

I miss being able to wear what i want. I miss not having to follow a gazillion rules. I miss the feeling of doing something not because i have to, but because i want to.

But i'm not giving up yet.