down but not out... yet...

been feeling kinda down this past week. There's no one specific reason (unless u count being in the army as one big reason). Mainly it's been a host of different factors coming together, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and all that.

if you're wondering what kind of worries are plaguing me, it's pretty much the same old stuff that's been bugging me on and off for the last year or so (and even longer than that). Yes, it's boring revisiting the same old ground again and again, but somehow I still end up there. Maybe there really is a kind of addiction to depression.

work has contributed another source of negativity. The initial enthusiasm has vanished, replaced by a sense of indifference; the NSman's 'bo chup' attitude perhaps. Once this sets in, it's self-perpetuating: indifference leads to distraction leads to loss of purpose leads to more indifference.

so what's with the indifference? One reason is that the army is just such a f-ed up organisation (not that it's anything new). I have a job but not much with which to accomplish it. Not enough comps, and what comps are available aren't that well-equipped; I was damn glad to get a laptop at first, but then I discovered the most advanced word-processor it had was wordpad. Will be getting another laptop tmw, I hope. Maybe it will actually have something more useful.

you could call the second reason a matter of status. My boss said something to me last week, along the lines of 'I'm treating you like an officer here, not like a typical NSman clerk'. I think he was trying to motivate me, and I'm appreciative of his efforts. But he can't change the fact that at the end of the day I AM a typical NSman clerk: I usually have to share the same office comps; I can't access stuff that I sometimes need without asking other more senior ppl for help; I have to do all the office/guard duties that the other NSmen clerks do, etc etc. What he did was a bit like someone going up to a beggar and saying, 'Hey dude, you're rich, you know'. Gee, thanks, that makes me feel so much better.

and to top things off, there's the matter of fitness. Judging by running times, my physical fitness is a bit worse than what it was 3-4 weeks ago. Essentially this means I've wasted about one month's worth of training time. It's true that I'm ultimately the one to blame, for being too slack to work out properly; but I'm just feeling aggrieved coz instead of having free time to train during office hours (which was what happened during the first 3 weeks or so of re-enlistment, and which some of the other rejoiners are still allowed to do), I have to drag my tired ass to the track after work to exercise. Morale really takes a big hit in such a situation, and I believe this has a negative impact on training.

while I think life is kind of lousy now (with no prospect of getting any better), I haven't totally given up on maintaining a positive attitude just yet (yes, ms kireii, thanks for the kind advice. And no, mr kai, I'm not stoned nor nuts). Although most of the time I'm feeling gloomy, sometimes I remember stuff that keeps me going. Some of it actually comes from the stuff that I'm working on. An example is a quote from a book on West Point: 'the Army is about learning to do things you don't want to do. It is a kind of discipline.' And ironically enough, another source of motivation is the SAF officer's creed (which I've read and typed and analyzed countless times in the last few weeks). Maybe I'm just a naive bugger, but the creed is something I really want to believe in and live up to. And this desire helps to push me along.

I guess the army is leaving its marks on me.